True Freedom Requires Deep Change
“How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart? Cleanse me from these hidden faults.
Keep your servant from deliberate sins! Don’t let them control me.
Then I will be free of guilt and innocent of great sin.
May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer” - Psalm 19:12-14
I remember a kind person with several years of sobriety saying to me “I wish you a slow recovery” when I was a few months (not many!) into my own sobriety and feeling like I’d really cracked it. I had fully surrendered to the fact that I could no longer drink or use drugs and felt a sense of relief that my years of dicing with death in addiction and losing all things worthwhile were finally at an end because I’d finally got it - I couldn’t relapse, slip, dabble no matter what life threw at me. I was determined to stay clean and sober in any circumstances.
The struggles of the preceding years were clearing, I had new hope, new possibilities, new sober friendships, involvement with my church, and a growing relationship with God….I was a nicer person…happy even(!) I knew I had a few things to put right, a few things that had gone down when I had been drinking and using and I’d get to that. But essentially, I was ready to declare myself a “well man”. It wasn’t that I was prideful, I was deeply grateful but felt that I now just needed to hold my position, get back into the world and prosper, and make up for some lost time.
Many of my friends, family, and people ready to re-employ me in my old profession saw it the same way. I was back! It was only the people experienced in long-term sobriety who were being more cautious. It wasn’t that they didn’t think I should be enjoying the fruits of early sobriety. It was just that they knew very well that there are deeper fruits of a steadily-worked-through recovery - ones that are, in fact, vital to our long-term sobriety and to which there are no shortcuts.
So, back to being wished “a slow recovery”. I got it. But I didn’t like it. But I was too agreeable to show that I didn’t like it- so I nodded. Really I was thinking- “I’m already well” - it had taken me ages to get to this point. So much loss and humiliation in addiction but now I had overcome. I was now helping others in addiction. That was my story. I had so much to learn - and sadly, to lose again.
There came a time when I did drink and use again. It was catastrophic and played out over many months. Why did I go back? Because I hadn’t learned and practised the deep change all addicts need to have in order to not be triggered again by life and feelings. Life and feelings are not going anywhere.
I’d had a go at changing the parts of me that I could see were a problem or just had room for improvement but as the Psalmist alludes to in the passage above- we can’t see all of the stuff that is going on inside us. We can’t always put our finger on what makes us tick. Why can an apparently unkind look from someone or a wrong word or a disappointment lead us to the edge of a fatal relapse? Why would a relationship breakup or a bereavement lead us to do something as terrible to ourselves and others as relapse? The last two examples seem far more understandable and should elicit sympathy rather than criticism- but the point is, we need a whole new outlook, a new “operating system” if we’re going to overcome dangerous temptation at the most challenging moments in our lives. 12-step literature originally called this “an entire psychic change” because unless our way of thinking, feeling, and ultimately trusting in God is in place, we are going to return to the drink and drugs at some point because we trusted them to keep us safe from real life for so long. It’s like subconsciously, picking our addictions back up still makes sense to us when we are overwhelmed- with little thought of the likely consequences. We need to practice not being overwhelmed. We need to practice steadfast faith, gratitude, and serenity - much easier said than done!
What this means for us
The twelve-step program, with the influence and inspiration of the evangelical Christian group “The Oxford Group” adopted a number of spiritual disciplines to affect this deep, liberating change in people over time. There are now many addiction recovery programs out there but a large proportion of them borrow significantly from the twelve steps or adapt them for more secular organisations. We see some non-spiritual, cognitive behavioral therapy programs mirroring the twelve steps in an attempt to emulate the changes that are observed in people who practice them. Basically- people survive addiction and flourish as human beings when these principles are practiced diligently - and with the living God in the equation, even more reliably and profoundly so.
We are encouraged to continue sharing what is going on for us in groups of trusted people, to have friends in recovery so we can sharpen each other up and to have a mentor or a sponsor to lead us through some very significant soul-searching.
We look properly at the things that cause us difficult feelings. We look at why that is. Sometimes it will be obvious to us why something has caused us disturbance and the new attitude we need to start working on and praying about. Sometimes it will seem obvious to most right-thinking people that we have been the victims of injustice, offense, or real harm at the hands of someone else. It is not ok. But we have to begin to see how holding on to “being the victim” in any circumstance will keep us in a life-limiting self-pity that could well lead us back to alcohol and drugs unless we take the difficult decision to forgive and trust God with the future.
We begin to discover how our perspective on life so far has kept on leading us back to the bottle and the hit and we discuss new ways of thinking, again committing them to God. We do the same with our fears - itemising them, looking at what’s behind them, how they’ve held us back or pushed us to do self-destructive things and with God’s help, found the right way to practice thinking in the future. We look at all of our behaviour in the same way. We discuss it all with our mentors- people who have undergone the process themselves, bringing it all into the light before God and then being entirely willing to reject those old ways of thinking and operating in favour of a whole new way of being, in keeping with our belief as Christians that we are new creations in Christ.
Only after this, often lengthy, process, do we start approaching people to repair relations with people we may have let down or hurt - or even taken things from. Many in early recovery try to do this before they are ready- before they have understood deeply what they have been like and what they really need to do to make substantial selfless amends.
Many of us can tick a lot of the above off and say- “well I’ve kind of done that” or “I’ve doing that my own way” or “this bit’s between me and God”. Experience shows that we do this at our peril. The process is uncomfortable. Being led through it is not easy. Being challenged by a mentor, our peers, even by God is not easy. Making amends to someone over a situation in which you were 85% right is hard to swallow….but when we’ve done it, when we’ve worked through the major issues that have been blocking us from walking in freedom, when our conscience is clear, when we are in the habit of processing life and feelings in a way that empowers us and keeps us as channels of God’s grace and love, we start realising that this was the tonic our souls needed all along. This way of life has replaced the comfort we desperately derived from alcohol and drugs. We might also notice as we read the Bible how this way of operating seems to be pointed towards throughout the New Testament. This is part of what it means to walk by the Spirit, to abide in Christ. Maybe there was never going to be a quick fix after a private prayer- this God-given process is the miracle. This is the way God heals many from addiction and those who are willing to be molded by it are best placed to carry their experience, strength and hope to the next person in need.
Questions for Reflection
Do you identify with any aspect of this blog? How do you identify?
Are you working a program of recovery with God, peers and mentors to give yourself the best chance of freedom from addiction?
If not, are you willing to? Why?/Why not?
Prayer
Father, thank you that your word speaks into addiction, alcoholism and brokenness - that when we feel that no one understands us, we can be sure that you do and that you love us. Thank you that in your word, you show us how to choose life and freedom through love, forgiveness, honesty and self-giving. Thank you for the God-honouring programs and groups that have unpacked your commands for those broken by addiction, broken by just being human. Father, please keep us willing to do whatever it takes to get fully free from the clutches of addiction, please keep filling us with your Spirit that we can be more than conquerors in the areas where we have struggled. Please equip us to grow into reliable guides for the people breaking free from addiction. In Jesus’ name. Amen.